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12:46 a.m. - 11/08/2006
Torn between my dreams and my logic
Last night I had a horribly wonderful dream. You and I were finally able to overcome all of the obstacles standing in the way. You and I were finally able to go back to the beginning, when we were the only two who mattered. Before the alcohol and the drugs, and the infidelity. Before the lies, and the arrests, and the hospitals. Before the chaos...When we smiled in the pictures that we took together because life was perfect as long as we had each other.
Then I woke up and reality set in. We are far from being able to walk off into that sunset together. And at this point I'm not even sure that we'll ever be able to. I want to give up. but in the dream I didn't give up. I kept pushing. I kept fighting for what I knew in my heart was right, and the reward was magical. I used to fight for us. Everytime you'd be ready to give up I'd fight for us and we'd stay togther. then one day I got tired of fighting and settled for the easier distraction that was sitting in front of me. And I lost you, and wasted almost 3 years of my life that I'll never be able to get back, just hoping that one day I'd be able to feel for him something close to what I felt for you. I never did. And if only I hadn't given up. If only I'd fought a little harder then we'd still have each other.
Is it even love? Is it even worth fighting for? Were you ever that person who I still see everytime I look at you, or were you always the bad news that the world sees when they look at you?
I don't know. All I know is that you're still the only one who's ever given me that lovesick feeling. Whenever I see you I get so nervous that I can't speak, even though I've known you for years. Whenever you touch me you send sparks through my body. And whenever our lips touch I see fireworks. When we're together I escape from the rest of the world and we're the only two who matter. And I love feeling that way.
But I hate feeling that way too. Becasue logically I should give up on you. I should accept the fact that you're bad news and walk away. You're no good for me at all. But I can't seem to let you go. I can't seem to give up on you. I know in my heart that one day that wonderful man who I fell in love with will emerge and we'll finally be together. And you'll thank me for never giving up on you.
And its all becasue of that damned dream I had last night. i was ready to give up, but I'm a strong believer in the power of dreamns. And I believe that this dream was telling me not to make the mistake that I made 3 years ago. But my mind keeps telling me that it would be a mistake to hold on. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I'll have another dream tonight that will help clear things up.
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