Current Mood: buzzed
12:26 a.m. - 11/29/2007
Is it just the lonely in me or is it really love?
So I'm a little buzzed and high right now. my partner in crime Trisha and I just had a night of smoking and minor drinking. But my mind is racing and I feel compelled to wirte since I haven't in a while.
So first on people who stay in relationships they're not 100% happy with out of fear of being lonely and never finsing anyone else:
A lot of times I wonder if maybe that's waht I'm doing with Duffie. But I really don't think that's the case. my love for him has always been a constant in my life even during that period when we didn't speak. I know that's waht I was doing with jacob. he is so not my type at all, and I jumped right into that relationship after me and Duffie broke up. Half the time i didn't even like him let alone love him but I was with him for 2 1/2 years. And I know that that's waht i was doing during that brief period when I was so intent on the fact that Joe was my soulmate. How do I know that? Cause during those times I was still in love with Duffie. Notice the gap in my blogs from when me and Duffie broke up and Jacob and I broke up? Well tha's because I had to start keeping a private journal to hide the fact that I was still in love with Duffie. Care for a few excerpts?
January 3, 2004 - ...So things have been pretty good for me lately. I've got a new boyfriend who is absolutely wonderful, and even if I didn't I'd still haev a great sex life :) yet all i can think about is that jerk of an ex boyfriend of mine. My secret Christmas wish was that he'd call me and tell me he missed me and loved me and that he was sorry for everything he put me through and we would live happily ever after.... Obviously it didn't happen....
August 15, 2004 - ...Almost time to head back to Tally. Jacob and I have been doing great yet he can't compare to duffie. I finally took off the necklace he gave me. it physically hurt me to do so because it made me accept the fact that it was really over. I've been lying to Jacob and telling him that my grandmother gave it to me. I don't think I'll ever be able to love Jacob like I loved Duffie... I was hoping to run into him this summer. Maybe I need closure or maybe he really was my soulmate and I've lost him forever and now I'm destined to never feel love like that again....
february 20, 2005 - ...Jacob gave me a diamond heart pendant for Valentine's day. It kind of pains me to wear it. I feel it there on my neck in the place where Duffie's used to be and it makes me wish that it still was there.... Why can't i get over him
july 27, 2005 - ...Duffie has been occupying my mind a lot lately. I think its because of the strong possiblity that he is just around the corner. I miss him so much. I hate the way things ended....
Okay so you get the picture right. So I don't think this is me settling. It's just not the right time for us yet. But I know in my heart it will be soon because fate wouldn't have brought us back together and allowed us to realize that we were still in love with each other if it wasn't.
Which kind of leads me to my next topic: Women who allow men to treat them like crap and swear that "he's really nice when we're alone" I'm kind of guilty of this. But only slightly. it's so easy for me to see when its happening to other women and comment on how they deserve better and make it sound so easy to leave them, yet I can't do it myself. He doesn't give me the love and affection that I deserve. But people who have seen us together have commented on how good we are for each other. how we balance each other out. And I swear he does show me he loves me in his own way. but again if i were on the outside looking in I would say "well if he loves you so much why isn't he willing to settle down with you now." and "why doesn't he want to spend every second of his time with you when you go to visit"
Soulmates are tricky that way. here's the thing though. If we did settle down together before we're ready that would only lead to resentment and unhappiness and why taint our love with that when we can just wait for the right time? I don't know. I'm just dying to see how this all plays out and I hope I don't end up looking like a fool. He has no reason to lie to me about his feelings for me. I was having sex with him before he said he was still in love with me. and that's why most guys lie right? For sex? So if he's getting it anyway and that's all he wanted why would he complicate it by forcing me to become emotionally involved?
I don't know how much sense this all made, but i'm gonna go to bed now that I've somewhat gotten this stuff off of my chest. I do have work tomoorw
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