Current Mood:
2:28 p.m. - 04/14/2008
\"I've gotta move on and leave you behind...\"
So I felt the need to reflect just a little bit more on the conversation that I had with Duffie on Saturday night. Why? Because no matter how much I try not to be, I'm a fool when it comes to him. So you have to wonder: does the fact that he makes me so foolish mean he's the one for me, or that he's the one who's most terrible for me? If you're the type of person who never feels emotionally connected to anyone because you're so selfish when it comes to dating, and then you find someone who makes you care more baout them, than yourself, does that mean that this person who can make you feel and care is the one person you're meant to be with? Or is that person the one person you need to do your best to stay away from.
Everytime I think I've gotten over him, he has a way of pulling me back in. After that fight we had over the Stephanie incident, I pretty much took his word that from now on we would be nothing more than friends. So I stopped thinking of him in that romantic, sexual, loving manner and reprogrammed myself to think of him as a friend. I even stopped drunk dialing him, for the most part, and even when I did drunk dial him, it wasn't in the "i'm drunk dialing you because I'm in love with you" manner that I normally do. It was more of a "I'm bored and you're the only one awake" type manner. But for some reason when he texted me on Friday night, I decided to call him and I guess because I was so drunk, and was unclear on some things, I decided to bring up all of those things.
It started with a simple since we're only friends am I still allowed to visit? And the answer to that was yes. Then I asked if as friends we were still allowed to have sex. Again the answer was yes. Then I don't really remember how, but the conversation turned to our feelings. I think I might have mentioned how much he confuses me by putting up away messages that say that I'm the only one he is willing to talk to at that moment, or calling me future wifey or saying "i'd rather have bad times with you, then good times with someone else." Then I think thats when he told me how awesome I am and how much he loves me but how stupid he is for not wanting anything serious now, and how when he does settle down he wants it to be with me, and how i'm the only person he has strong feelings for (of course in his own words). I responded by affirming my awesomeness and saying something stupid and all mushy gushy out of a romantic movie about how no matter what he does or what other people say about him, I always see past that and see waht a good person he is on the inside and thats why I love him so much. Gosh I want to vomit just thinking about it. I wish I remembered exactly what else was said, so I could overanalyze it like I always do. But I don't. Damn my drunkeness.
But yeah so I don't know, he'll always have a place in my heart, but I just don't think I can keep waiting for him. It's long past the time for me to move on with my life. He's jsut spoiled me so much though because I feel so comfortable around him, I don't want to take the time out to get to know other guys and do the whole dating thing. But I have forced my self to make a stronger effort and I've actually been talking to this guy who I actually really like. He's the type of guy I've always wanted to date, but could never find. So we'll see what happens with that.
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