Current Mood:
11:49 a.m. - 08/4/2006
I need a distraction please
For some reason I've been really bummed out lately. Well I guess its not fro "some" reason. It's probably the reason why I've been bummed out since March.
But I don't understand it. I was fine early this week and late last week. Everything seemed to be fine. Thoughts of all the bad stuff would creep into my head but I would just immediately push them out. But now they've bombarded me, so I can't push them out.
I've got good stuff going on in my life right now. Well I mean as good as it can be considering. So why do I have the urge to take any sharp object that I can find and start slicing away? Why is it nearly impossible for me to get out of bed in the morning (even when I'm not sleep deprived and just tired b/c its 5:30 am). It's not a matter of not being able to wake up, its a matter of not being able to actually get out of bed. I just want to lay there all day crying.
I can't even watch TV without getting upset. Everything triggers bad memories. Well not necessarily bad memories, some things trigger good memories, and I don't know what's worse. I think the good ones actually make me feel more crappy.
I've got to pull myslef out of this. Hopefully the weekend will birng me some happiness. And my very soon to come reunion with a very special someone should bring me some happiness. Well not really happiness since we've established that I'm incapable of feeling that emotion, but it will bring me a nice distraction.
I feel like the only thing that will help me is men. Lots and lots of pretty men. :) It worked the last time i was bummed out like this. Why becasue they serve as a nice distraction. I don't want to go back to the way I was before jacob, but I think its the only thing that will preserve my sanity. And there's a slight complication that will probably prevent me form doing so.
Why does my life have to be so complicated. Simplicity, is all I ask for. A nice simple relationship with no complications. Is that possible. Why is it that with me the guys either too much in love with me, not in love wiht me enough, in love with who he thinks I am and not who I really am, cheating on me, or using me to cheat on another girl, or just too stupid to see what's right in front of him and go for it.
I think love is the universe's idea of some sick cruel joke. Why feel so strongly about soemone and set yourslef up to be hurt? Even the most perfect relationships end in heartbreak. A couple that has been married for 50 years and is still madly in love with each other will eventually know the pain of heartbreak when one of them dies, and the other is left alone.
Okay, so this weekend I must go out and find a distraction. This guy I used to know has been wanting to hang out with me, maybe I'll finally return his call.
What you may ask is going on with my soulmate? Why am I so bummed out, what happened to my lovesickness. Nothing really. It's still there, and its actually driving me mad. I'll see him really soon, but until I do, we did decide to just be friends. So he's off with this other girl, so I should be off havign fun with other guys. I don't want to. My heart belongs to him and him alone. but I can't stand the lonliness. Like I said I need a distraction from everything.
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