Current Mood:
11:48 a.m. - 08/2/2006
generalized discontent
I'm happy. I think. But I don't really know. Somewhere down the line I've forgotten what it means to be happy. Is happiness simply the absence of depression. I don't think it is. I think there's more to it, and even so,if that is happiness I don't think I have it.
Can I consider myself happy when thoughts of sharp objects linger in my head? When the fact that there are no open wounds on my body disturbs me? Can I consider myself happy when small things trigger memories that send an uncomfortable pang to my heart, more often than I'd like them to?
Am I happy or am I distracted. I think I'm just distracted. I don't think its possible for me to be happy given the current state of things. I don't understand how people find happiness when so many terrible things are happening to them and around them.
I think I finally figured out why Jacob and me couldn't work. He's happy and I'm not. I can honestly say I don't remember the last time I was truely happy, just in general. Sure there have been moments of pleasure or joy, but those moments never took away from my generalized discontent. He couldn't understand that about me. Its not that i wans't happy wiht him, I am just not happy in general, and I don't think I'll ever be. I don't think I'm physically or mentally capable of it.
Life is not a bowl of cherries. More like a bowl of rotten apples. And why should anyone be happy about that? Love is supposed to make you happy. But it doesn't work for me. It gives me a pleasnat distraction, but whne it comes down to it, I still hate my life. I hate being alive. Don't worry, I won't kill myself though. I cna't. I have too many responsibilities. Sometimes when I'm on the metro in the morning and I see how fast the train pulls into the station I see myself falling onto the tracks. A tragic accident kills a young woman. I mean I'm gone, there's no saving my smashed body. Then I see my mom, crying, "NO!"and falling into a deep depression. Then I see my brother withdrawing even more than he already is. I see so much sadness, my family, my friends. And I know ending my sadness is not worth causing so many other people that sadness.
But back to happiness. How do I achieve it? What does it feel like, to have no worries? Waht does it feel like to be able to actually truely enjoy life, and not fake it like I do? I wish I could experience it for just a second.
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