Current Mood:
1:47 p.m. - 06/28/2006
how far is too far, comforting nights and money over friends
So here I sit with a black eye, scratches on my lower back, bruises on my side, butt, lower abdomen, thighs,shoulder and upper back, still thinking of my relationship with Jacob. Why? I don't know. Why am I so stupid? This is how it starts. Arguments gone too far. I know that. And if this happened to any of my friends I would tell them tostay away from the guy who did it. But for some reason I can't take my own advice.
So Sunday night he hung out with us all for Kersten's b-day. He got super drunk and lured me into my bedroom where we proceeded to do very inappropriate things. We started having sex but I stopped because I felt bad dooing that at kersten's celebration. And we agreed to continue it later but the drunkard passed out, so that sucked. But I shouldn't have done anything. I should have so no when he told me to go into my room with him. I need to learn to resist him.
He can be so violent and angry and meaen sometimes, but he can also be so sweet. Like this morning. I was having a nightmare, and apparently I was crying in my sleep, so he woke me up and comforted me and held me while I fell back to sleep. And its not the first time. he does that a lot since my fucked up mind produces nightmares more often than not, and more often than not I cry out in my sleep because of them. It's so weird, becasue the dreams feel so real, and whatever is happening hurts so bad it feels real, and I'm just overcome with this hopelessness, then I'm suddenly pulled away form the horrible situation and into a gentle comforting one, and it makes everything better. I love sleeping with him so much. It's so nice.
I hate that everything is so different with us now becasue of her. I think she makes a hobby out of ruining my life becasue the skank has nothign better to do, and becasue she's so ugly that no one else will give her the time of day except for jacob. It's the only thing that makes sense to me. Oh and she has very low self esteem, which is why she puts up with him constantly putting me first. I wish she would reealize that its never gonna change. You may date him or whatever, but you'll never outnumber me. You'll always be a sloppy second. He may say you come first, but his actions won't show it. Becasue that slot is reserved for me until I decide to give it up, and as long as you're in the picture I won't.
btu anyway moving away from skanks and semiabusive relationshipos,
I miss kersten. It was so much fun having her here this weekend. It sucks about waht happened, and that now becasue of it she won't be able to visit, but I'm deteremined to scam a car out of someone this summer when I'm home so when I get back I can go and visit her. Or maybe I'll actually try to win the Mary Kay one.
I really hope these bruises and my eye clear up before Sunday. All I need is for my mom to see them and for me to have to explain what happeend. The truth so not an option considering waht happened to her and the fact that jacob is not exactly on her good side these day. But she has a way of knwing when I'm lying. Which is why for the most part I'm pretty up front wiht her about things.
I really don't want to go home. Iw ant to stay here and spend more time with jacob and with Danny and Adam before they leave forever, but I have t let the $15.25/hour motivate me. I'm making $4000 in 7 weeks. I pity you poor minimum wage workers. And to those of you who I hate and you know who you are: hahahaha I'm better than you, you're working your ass of and making barely half of what I make. To those of you I love, I'm sorry, but look on the bright side, I'll set aside party money for beer, liquor and other party supplies that we can all enjoy.
�
�
