Current Mood:
1:31 p.m. - 05/29/2006
If only I could hate you
You know life can be really funny sometimes. After actually talking with Jacob's other love interest, you know the one who I've spent so much time and energy hating, I don't hate her anymore. I kind of feel bad for her. She was a victim just like me of Jacob's duplicity. She was lied to. She had her feelings played around with. It wasn't her, it was him. She wan't throwing herself at him, he was throwing himself at her.
Why do guys have to be such jerks? I just don't understand. In a way I wish I could go back to the day that me and Jacob broke up and take it back, becasue then none of this stuff would have happened. I wouldn't think that Jacob was a horrible person, becasue I hate thinking that. I hate finding out that someone I loved and dated for 2 years isn't who I thougth he was. I hate learning how much of a lier he can be. And I hate teh fact that all this knowledge doesn't lower my interest in him enough to say I never want to see, or speak to him again. I hate the fact that if he wants to I know I will continue to allow him to use me and screw with my emotions. I hate the fact that although I've started moving on he still has a hold on me. He has the ability to casue me unbearable hurt. I hate teh fact that a few words from him put doubt into my mind about this other guy.
I hope he ends up alone so that he can know what it feels like to hurt as much as he has been hurting me, and probably her too. He deserves it, and he brought it all on himself. It sucks though becasue I can't stand to see him unhappy. It makes me sad to see him sad, even thoguh he deserves it. He can be so nice sometimes, but is that niceness sincere? Like last night the compromise he was willing to make with me. He din't have to do that. It was really sweet of him. But are his actions really genuine?
And if he really were as sweet as I'm making him out to be or as he'd like to be he wouldn't make me feel the way I do about myself. He wouldn't make me feel like I'm okay to fuck but not okay to date. he wouldn't make me feel like the only thing I'll ever be is someone's mistress. He wouldn't make me feel like I'm not worth anything. And when I finally start to find a littel happiness he wouldn't ruin it for me like he has.
I wish I were the type of person who could write people off if they cross me, but I'm not. And no matter waht a part of me will always love the jerk. If only I could hate him, things would be a lot simpler, not just for me, but for him and her too.
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