Current Mood:
1:44 p.m. - 06/15/2006
When will I learn?
Some people never learn. And I feel like I'm one of them. I do stuff that I've done in the past that I know is goign to end up hurting me. And the way it happens just leads to more problems, because nothing gets solved.
Heated argument.
Gets too heated.
Someone gets hurt.
Someone feels bad.
Apologies are made with kisses etc instead of words.
And then the next day you're back in the same situation you were in when the argument began because those kisses didn't solve the initial argument. No solution was reached.
So what do we do? Start the process all over again? A pulled muscle, a strain, and a bruise or two here and there is not that serious, but what if it gets worse? Waht if it goes to far one time?
All I want are answers. All I want is a decision. A decision he will stick to. I want him to make the right decision, but if he doesn't screw him. It'll make his life miserable. He'll realize it and it'll be too late for him to do anything about it. But whatever.
I hate not trusting him. I hate that I lost that because of her. I hate that I allow him to screw with my emotions when we're together at night. I hate that I cna't say no to his kisses, or his touch, or anything else because I'm weak.
So apparently we have a new agreement. But I'm not so clear on what it means becasue whenever I ask questions he gets pissed. But I think he's not gonna hang out with people from AMC as much anymore, since they're the root of all our problems, although it sucks that he's living with them next year, not gonna date anyone and focus on school. And in turn I have to consider doing what he wants. I feel like I'd be giving up so much more though, so I'm not sure if I'm willing to accept it or not. All he has to do is one thing for me and I'll definately do it but I don't see him doing that becasue he's weak, so no deal.
I hate thinking of all this stuff all the time. It's driving me crazy. I just want it all to be over. I want her to be out of our lives or us to no longer have an "our lives." But we can't. We're forever intertwined.
I stuck to my guns that night, and it was the biggest mistake of my life. that's waht I get for not giving in.
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