Current Mood:
1:44 p.m. - 06/14/2006
why won't he do anything for me?
I'm so torn and I don't know what to do.
Of course, as always it's because of Jacob. I don't know why I allow him to hurt me so much. I need to stop making decisions based around him and what he wants, but I can't help it. I know he doesn't deserve it because he won't do it for me.
Why can't I just let him go. He doesn't deserve my love. Not anymore, because he's abused it so much.There are so many better people out there who wouldn't lie to me and purposely do things to hurt me and who would support me in times of need, not just leave me to fend for myself. Problem is I don't want any of them. I only want Jacob. I don't want to take the time to look for the perfect guy for me. I want what I already have. Or semi have. So what do I do?
This whole situation just really really hurts. That's the only way to describe it. Why did he make me love him and fool me into beliveing that I was the only woman for him, when he didn't mean it? I knew I shouldn't have done it. Love always always always leads to heartbreak.
Gosh why am I letting this drive me insane? Why can't some handsome prince come and whisk me away out of this whole crummy situation?
And you know what really sucks? I'm leaving town in like 2 weeks. Who knows how different things will be when I get back. I'm so scared of what he's goign to do without me there to remind him of us, and the residual feelings he still has for me. He'll probably forget about me completely and we'll never talk again and I couldn't deal with that. I really don't want to go. I hate that my family is pressuring me to work at HUD again. I don't even really like that job. The only good thing is that I get paid a lot. but for the work I do I should be getting paid a whole lot more. But anyway, I digress.
I hate that he runs away from situations. I hate that he never wants to talk things through and that when we talk we can never find a solution becasue he's so stubborn. Jeez, somebody help me. Why do I get so upset? Why can't I stop crying about the whole sitaution? Why are my feelings always the casualty?
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